All that puking made me and Daddy tired...Nighty Nite!

Enough with the Pictures Already! Damn Papaprazzi!

The Obligatory Self-Portrait

Me, In "Evil Bitch" Mode

Damn I'm Cute

Golden Showers, New Teeth & Fruity Mush

It's now official. My Daddy loves me a whole lot. Today, while I was sitting on his lap, my diaper (which was not fastened correctly, as I like to turn sideways before it's completely attached) sprung a leak, and I peed all over his pants. He ran frantically to find Mommy, so that she could change me, while he ran to get undressed and shower. This was after I had thrown up on three of his shirts today. Since I'm still here, I can only assume that he either a) loves me, or b) is a glutton for humiliation.

Also, I have been an evil bitch for the last couple days, as I am breaking in two new bottom teeth. I don't know why I need them. I haven't had teeth before, and my life has been just fine. I hate the taste of OraJel, I hate the taste of Baby Motrin worse, and I don't like to hold that refrigerated plastic thingee that they keep putting in my mouth. I won't nap unless I'm laying on Mommy or Daddy, and if I do, I'll only nap for a few minutes at a time. They look really tired, but that's what they get for wishing for a baby.

In the last two days, I have tasted three new flavors of mush. The first is squash, which is kinda yummy, but not terribly exciting. The second is banana, which is just plain gross. I'll eat it, but I won't enjoy it. The third is peaches, which I love a lot. Unfortunately, the consistency of the peaches is really thin, which means, thanks to my reflux, it doesn't stay down very well. Figures that the stuff I don't like, sits like a rock in my stomach.

On Saturday, I was supposed to go see my friend Marge, who lives by the beach. But it was cloudy and cold and yucky, and since I was running a fever (thanks to those stupid, useless teeth coming in) I had to stay home. Boooooooorrrrrrrrriiiiiiinnnnnngggggggg. The best part of Saturday was watching the first few minutes of Harry Potter's new DVD that night. Lots of colors and sounds and action!

Mommy spent Sunday putting up all the Christmas lights while Daddy watched me. She was up on the roof, and kept calling out to me, but to see her would have required me to look up, and that was just WAY too much work. (See the "evil bitch" comment in paragraph two for the reason behind this.) Bobby came over and did his best to entertain me for a few minutes, and Bobby's mommy and Teaser both held me for a little while today so that Daddy could get a smoke break. The rest of the day was spent watching football and making loud obnoxious noises. I've decided that Sunday's are boring....there is way too much stuff going on that keeps me from getting 100% of the attention 100% of the time.

Well, that's it! Hope your weekend was fun!

Final Barf Count: 3 Mommy shirts, 3 Daddy Shirts, 1 Mommy Pajama Shirt, 1 Daddy Jeans, 1 Daddy Leather Jacket, 1 Couch, 2 Spots on the Rug, and 4 Aubrey Outfits. Pretty good, huh?!

My First Thanksgiving

The day started like any other...I'm awake, I'm smiling, then crying, then smiling again...then Mommy got me dressed. My brother picked out the outfit because he thought that yellow would be more "Thanksgivingey". Fine. I can deal with yellow. I could have done without the striped onesey underneath that made my hips look big...but I dealt. Then Mommy put a headband on me. A big, bright, yellow headband. I felt like I should have been in workout gear, listening to Olivia Newton-John singing "Let's Get Physical". I've decided that other than hair, I'm going to have to avoid having things on my head for a while. As you can tell by the picture, I did manage to convince them to take it off my head.

Lately, I've been having trouble with naps. To the despair of my parents, I'm only napping in ten minute stretches. I usually try to coordinate my waking up with interrupting particular things that Mommy and Daddy do....Oh Please! I'm barely 6 months old! I'm not even thinking about that yet! I mean interrupting things like: Toilet Use, Showers, Dog Washing, Sitting Down, Laying Down, or any version of "Thank God she's finally asleep". So by the time people started showing up, I was good and grumpy. Daddy went and screwed it up for me though. He brought me to my crib and started rubbing my back. That just wasn't fair. He knows that backrubs make me pass out. So I slept for almost two hours. Who knows what happened during that time? Don't they know I'm supposed to see everything so that I can report about it on my blog?

Turkey Time! Everybody was getting themselves big plates of food, and there was a LOT of food. Of course, none of it was for me...and I was hoping for some of that cranberry sauce. It was shiny and red and I'm sure that I could have swallowed it. But at least Mommy gave me my sweet potato mush...She knows that I love sweet potato mush, or as I call it, SPM. Mmmm...SPM....I heart you....Then came the kicker. Mom put a bowl of white stuff on my tray. It sure looked like whipped cream...It sure smelled like whipped cream....and I'm sure that it had half the calories of whipped cream. I was really hesitant about digging in with my hands, but Mommy helped me out. Oh...you sugary heavenly goodness! This stuff definitely has my vote as the best mush I've tasted yet! In what seemed like a natural thing to do, I actually picked up a spoon and used it to scoop up some of the stuff and then put the spoon in my mouth. Apparently, this is not a normal thing for a 6-month old to do, but I'd just gotten my nails done that morning, and I certainly wasn't going to be scraping dried Cool Whip out from under my nails all night long. I ate up a whole bunch of this stuff, and then I was full. (See picture) Oh boy, was I full. I needed to nap NOW!!! Then all of a sudden I got a rush of energy. For the next two hours I was a perpetual motion machine. I didn't stop kicking my legs, I didn't stop digging my head into Daddy's shoulder, I gave Daddy a titty-twister, I cried, I had about a hundred bottles of Isomil, and I refused to nap. Mommy and Daddy were clueless about why I was being so difficult (well, having a dirty diaper didn't help either), but once they realized that I basically main-lined sugar, it all became very clear. They just waited for me to crash. And as you can see by the picture, I crashed hard. Where are you my comfy crib? You call to me...."Aubrey? Aubrey? Come lay down on my soft sheets and vomit on them....Grab your favorite plush animal and suck on its ear until it becomes sopping wet....Please drool on my comforter, so that it can smell like sour soy milk all night long....Come to me Aubrey...come to me...." And like the Phantom of the Opera, I did......so with a merry giggle and a bloodcurdling screech, I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for my new life and my new family and for all of you who continue to think happy thoughts of me...but most of all, I am thankful that I am Aubrey - Queen of the Cool Whip & SPM Universe!

A long day of debauchery comes to an end...This is my impression of what Mommy & Daddy look like at the end of each fun-filled day with me.

To barf or not to barf? That is the question...I've just learned that you CAN get too much of a good thing.

Cool Whip!...Oh, Mommy...I love you more than anybody in the Universe!

Is this what I think it is???!!!!!!

Oh yeah...this is the BEST sweet potato mush I've ever tasted in my life. I'm livin' a dream...

Mommy was working hard making Turkey dinner for everyone. The red stuff looked interesting, and since she didn't bother to give me a taste, I threw up in her purse...The dog ate it, and then licked Mommy in the face. That'll teach her.

This is a picture of my Gramma. When she fell asleep, I played Twister on her. The other girl is my cousin Brandie (aka Monkey). She likes to pretend she's blind every time someone takes a picture. I'm buying her a white cane for Xmas.

This is my cousin Matt...He's the one that thought my nose was a noise-making button. He's only two and a half years older than me. Which means that when I'm five, I'll be able to kick his ass for annoying me.

Maybe if I pretend that the headband weighs 30 pounds, they'll take the stupid thing off.

New Food, Daddy's Shirt & Doctor Visits

...Or, as an alternative title - Things I Like, Things I Like to Throw Up On, and Things I Hate With a Burning Hellfire....

Mommy & Daddy brought me to the doctor today for a check-up. I weighed 16.4 lbs, I was 26 inches long, and I evidently have the most beautiful eyes the nurse has ever seen. Yay for me! The doctor, who tried to fool me by being nice at first, said I should eat more solid food so that I don't go through 7 bottles of formula a day and pee every ten minutes. I second that decision. Frankly, the less that Mommy & Daddy have to dig in my pants, the happier I'll be....plus I'm looking forward to other flavors besides "Soy Milk-Flavored"....Well, back to the visit. All was going well, and I made it a point to not even complain when the doctor pushed on my hips, and looked in my nose, and did everything under the sun to annoy me. I was a perfect little giggling Princess. Oh, and by the way....that crinkly paper they put on the exam table? Highly entertaining! I made lots of noise with it, scrunched it up, pulled it off, ripped it and rubbed it continuously. For Christmas, I hope Santa brings a boatload of that crinkly noisy paper....So, the doctor finished the exam and left the room. Mommy got me partially redressed, which was a real bummer, cause I like being all "nakey". Then that evil two-faced nurse walked back in. The same nurse who thought I was the "cutest thing". The same nurse who smiled nicely at me before....That B*tch walked in with FOUR...count them! One, Two, Three, Four NEEDLES!!!!!! I'm thinking she's going to be doing a whole mess of sewing with all them pointy things. But, Oh No...Two in one leg, One in the other leg, and one in the arm for good measure. Daddy tried to rub my belly to calm me down, but I was ready to go medieval on that white-dressed sadist wench! I screamed so loud that every dead Van Buren, from Abigail straight back to Ugg the Caveman Van Buren sat straight up in their coffins and held their ears in horror. Then this nurse had the nerve to actually put blue band-aids on me. Did she not notice I was wearing all PINK!!!???? She expected me to walk out of that office and be a "fashion victim" in the back of next month's Cosmo? I don't THINK SO!!!!!

Back to happier times....early today, Daddy got in the shower and came out smelling all nice and clean. Still a little bit too scratchy in the face, but he smelled nice. He put on a nice soft shirt...just the kind I like to snuggle against. He walked over to me and I smiled the great big smile that I save just for Daddy. He carefully picked me up and gave me a kiss. I snuggled my head into his shoulder and sniffed the magic smell of Daddy, and promptly threw up all over him. He must have worn that shirt all of 30 seconds before it went back into the dirty laundry basket. Daddy must love me, because he didn't complain at all to me. Honestly, if he had done that to me, and I was wearing one of my Gucci onesies, he wouldn't have survived to tell the story.

Finally, I got to taste mushed peas last night. Green-yummy-rific....that's all I have to say. I'd give it a two-thumbs up, but one of the thumbs is currently in my mouth, and the other is working this keyboard. Today though, I discovered the joy that is Sweet Potato mush. Oh My GAWDD!!! If someone could invent a time machine, I'd go back to taste that stuff again and again and again. It was sweet, and potatoey...and sweet! The orange color wasn't real appealing, but I was eating it so fast, that I didn't care. Mommy slowed up the spoon a couple times, and I gave her a yell so that she knew that this wasn't the time for a speed limit.

Speaking of yells, I'm constantly discovering new sounds I can make. So far, I've perfected the "AAAAHHHHHH" sound, the "PFFFFFTTTT" spitting-lip blowing sound, and yesterday afternoon I found the blood-curdling sound usually only heard coming from victims in a horror film. There are no letters that can honestly describe it, but trust me when I say that it's a scary one. And I like it. And I like to make that sound ALL the time now.

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

So...more of the same Sunday...eat, sleep, peep, poop, repeat ad infinitum. But I seem to have gotten into a nice routine anyways...so I've got THAT going for me. The doggy decided that she would use me as a pillow, and I wasn't amused...and of course, instead of getting her off of me, Mommy ran to get the camera because it was "too cute". Let me tell you something Mommy. I weigh MAYBE 15 pounds. The dog weighs about 5 pounds. Aw, crap...now I'm going to have to do math in my head...she is one third of my body weight...so it's the same thing as if a 66 pound sack of fur would be sitting on your back. I don't think you'd appreciate me running off to find the camera while you were struggling to BREATHE, would you???!!!! Enough said. I've made my point, and just in case I haven't, I intend to poop entirely up my back later on tonight. Oh...you'll pay...you'll pay. Speaking of poop...I've learned to fart SBD's (silent-but-deadly) and LAD's (loud-and-deadly). I especially like practicing while Daddy is feeding me my bottle and he has nowhere to escape. He makes funny faces when he smells them, which makes me laugh while I'm drinking, and results in me spitting formula all over him - which is entirely even funnier to me.

Oh wait! I almost forgot! Today (da-da-da-DAA!) I tasted carrots! Instead of the usual rice mush with applesauce in it, I got a little jar of carrot mush. I loved it! I ate every single bit and didn't spit it up even once. There are rumors that I may get to taste mushed peas tomorrow, and I can't wait. I appreciate Mommy and Daddy feeding me and stuff, but honest to goodness - if that rice mush was the only food available forever, I'd seriously grow up to be an ax murderer.

Well...that's it for me. Stay tuned for the continuing adventures of Lil' Aubrey, the massage-therapist puppy, and the wonders of vegetable mush.

I don't know which one of you two thought that giving me the "Pebbles Flinstone" look would be cute, but I am not amused...and could you please pick up all those dog toys off the floor please? Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?

Mom! Get this furry thing OFF ME NOW! She thinks that I'm a pillow!

OK...If you could just massage a little more to the left...oh yeah...that's it....

Go ahead! Put me in the vibrating chair, but until you give me another bottle, I'm not going to smile even ONCE.

My Mom's best friend "Teaser" took this picture right when I first came home on Thursday and Mom brought me over to show me off. File this picture under: "One Happy Mommy".

My cousin Brandie gave me this doll and I love it. In fact, I use it as a pillow when I sleep and I refuse to sleep without it!

Falling Asleep on Daddy

OK...It's official now. I love my Daddy. He was a new experience, since I've never had or seen a Daddy before. The lady that took care of me for my first six months wasn't married, but always had five foster kids. So I was fully prepared for my Big Brother and my gazillion cousins and fellow neighbor kids, but having someone around with a stubbly face was a big surprise. I now make it an effort to smile at him every time he walks into the room, and when he's in the room, I can barely avert my eyes from the glory that is his yellow glasses and shiny white teeth. He had me laying on his lap tonight, with my feet resting on his tummy. He started playing patty-cake with my feet instead of my hands, and me being a freak about my own beautiful "non-Flinstone" long-toed feet (as you know by now), I cooed and giggled the whole time. It didn't last very long, because after a couple minutes of watching me feet, I could no longer control myself and attempted to shove my entire foot into my mouth....mmmm....Aubrey toes....yummy....

Also, earlier today, Daddy was singing to me. Not an actual song, mind you, but narrative set to song, like "Let's put on a shirt...la la la la la....where'd your sockies go?....la la la la la." He did this for a long time, and I smiled and cooed the entire time to make sure he didn't stop. He tried to convince Mommy to join in, but she only sings to me when Daddy's not around....usually Celine Dion songs. Please Mom...no more Celine Dion. Three days with you, and already I know that my life will be SOOOO much better if Celine Dion disappeared from your song list.

Tonight, Daddy was watching basketball again, and I sat in my little vibrating chair near him. I cheered and made lots of noises with him, as he called out to the players. Obviously he doesn't know that the people inside the TV can't hear him, because he insists on coaching every single play. But it was fun watching all the people running around bouncing a ball. Then I sat in his lap and had a bottle of Isomil...mmm....Isomil....and after he burped me, I started to fall asleep on his shoulder again. I've decided that I like falling asleep on his shoulder, and I'm gonna do it a LOT. Mommy ruined it by taking me upstairs to my crib before I fell asleep. So to teach her a lesson, I refused to go to sleep and stayed up another 30 minutes. She'll know better next time.

Warming Back Up to the Puppy

While I was sitting in my swing yesterday, the Puppy began licking the bottoms of my feet. I laughed and laughed. I now officially forgive him for making me smell his butt.

Daddy likes watching the Lakers...I'm not quite into sports yet...but it gave me a good excuse to snuggle and fall asleep for the night...Nighty Night All!

OK...It's a positive...That furry little bastard "dealt it". I'm not taking the blame!

I think I'm getting warmer....yep...the smell is definitely coming from here....

Obviously, the first who "smelt it" didn't always "dealt it"...This is going to require more investigation....

Playing with my feet...la la la la la...Playing with my feet...la la la la la....

ZZZZ.....Puppy's With Spit Made of Isomil....mmmmm...yummy....ZZZZ

This is my Daddy. He likes to kiss me. I haven't quite returned the favor yet, but if he keeps feeding me, maybe I might.

My Mommy Loves Me...and Daddy says she's hot, but she seems just the right temperature to me!

Thursday - Part 2

So, finally, after a LONG car ride, I arrived at my Gramma's house. My mommy carried me into the house and she put me on Gramma's lap. Gramma seemed very happy to see me, and I sure liked the fact that she was soft and snuggly just like me. Then I met my Aunt Marie and my Uncle Larry and a big giant cousin with a green beret named Chris. I'm shocked that I even know what a beret is...jeez..I've got some vocabulary for a baby. They were all really nice too. I was starting to feel real welcome. Little did I know that in a few minutes, two of my little cousins - Bri and Matt were going to walk in the door and start pressing my nose like I was a clown. Did they expect that it would make an "AAOOGAH!" noise? Once Mommy set them straight, I liked them a whole lot better! My Aunt Lori was there too...she was kind of loud, but nice words always sound good when said a little louder. We didn't stay very long, and once again Mommy and Daddy brought me to the car, and finally we were on my way to see my new house. Would it be big? Would it be small? Would it smell like cookies? Would it be filled and piled 8 feet high all around with Isomil formula? (I hope...I hope...I hope....)

Daddy drove the car into this great big hole in the front of the house and then we all got out. Daddy carried all the stuff (and there was a lot of stuff - I don't travel light, you know.) while Mommy carried me. When we got inside of the house, there was this strange black and white fuzzy thing that was jumping all around. I heard it was a puppy, but it's almost as big as me! At first, I wasn't really impressed, since it wasn't holding a bottle or a pacifier for me. Then all of a sudden it let out a big "YIP!" and if I hadn't already crapped my diaper earlier - trust me - I'd have crapped again. I got really scared and I screamed my bloody head off! (Wait..I said my "bloody" head..I wonder if I'm British?)

A few minutes later, Mommy brought me outside to meet all the neighbors and all the ladies "oohed" and "aahed" at me. Oh golly, five minutes here, and already I've got the entire neighborhood wrapped around my little finger. Even the kids strained to look at me and touch me...sure hope that the boys didn't have cooties!

In a few minutes, there was a big boy and a big girl that walked over to me. My Mom told me that they were my big brother and my cousin. My big brother couldn't stop smiling, and he gave me a kiss. Knowing I have a brother this big already made me feel very safe - and the fact that he loves me is icing on the cake....mmmm...cake....I can't wait for teeth. We all went back in the house and Daddy took a lot of pictures. Then that evil puppy licked my hand. That's it. I'm tired. I'm grumpy...and now I have a wet hand. It was time to throw a fit..and did I ever! Mommy got the hint, and carried me up to my big giant room. The room looked very pretty, but I wasn't about to let Mommy know that. I was still mad about the dog spit on my hand. She laid me down for a nap, and I soon fell asleep and dreamed of a land where puppys spit out Soy milk.

After I woke up, the rest of the night was spent eating, napping, crying, eating some more, crying some more, leaving my mark on a few diapers, and planning how I was going to rule this family. I don't think it's going to take much - they all seem like easy marks. I slept through the entire night in a beautiful house filled with a bunch of people who, despite the fact that they've only known me a few hours, have become my family. I like having a family...and once I pull a few whiskers off of that puppy, I think I'll have everything under control.

How to Read This Blog

Since many family members and friends that are reading this are unsure of how to properly read a blog...here's how you do it:

All posts are shown in REVERSE order. In other words, if you want to read this blog in chronological order - you have to start at the bottom and work your way back up. The first article you see after this one will be the MOST CURRENT POSTING. I know it's strange, but I'm sure you'll get used to it. After all, I had to get used to strange people wiping my butt in public...and if I can do that....you can do anything!

If you get to the bottom of the page, and the last post you see is called "My Name is Aubrey", then you've gone to the beginning. If the last post is anything else, then you can go to the Archive section on the right to magically go backwards in time to articles that are no longer on this "Current" page.

Thanks for reading my blog and looking at my pictures. It's nice to have fans!

Me and My Cousin "Ash"...My eyes are going to start glowing red any moment now..I just have to remember which toe triggers it.

When I play with my own toes, my eyes glow red. Pretty cool, huh?

This is my dog...comfy by the fireplace. When he barks I get scared and I cry - A LOT!

Me and My Brother

When I open my mouth like this, I'm practicing to be Luciano Pavarotti...oh yeah, and I'm tired too.

Me and Mommy

I am Aubrey and I am cuter than any baby you've ever seen..and I have a combover just like Donald Trump. Can life get any better?

My Name is Aubrey

I'm Aubrey, I've been told. I'm not quite aware of that fact yet, as in my 6 months and 3 days of life, I've never had a name before. The nice lady I lived with up until today used to call me "Tweety Bird", I think because I have big beautiful eyes. I was born in California - actually inside a motel, which must have been a surprise to everyone - especially the motel maids when they had to clean up the room the next morning! I was 7lbs. and 11ozs in weight, so I guess I was healthy. I heard someone say I got a 9 on my APGAR. I don't know what that is, but a 9 must pretty good! I wish they'd given me a 15...cause 15 is my favorite number. Even still, they kept me in the hospital for four days. They said I was born with rugs inside me, but I don't remember seeing any rugs. They also say I have gray eyes and dirty blond hair, but it doesn't seem dirty to me. I like to throw up - a lot...especially after I eat. People call it reflux, but I call it "Blaachroioghaooidhgh". People have really strange words in this world.

Today, I woke up like every other day, and they brought me to a strange place. There were no toys or other things to play with. It seemed like they were waiting for someone to arrive, but I got tired of waiting and decided that this would be a good place to nap. So I did.

When I woke up, I was being held by this pretty lady that I'd never seen before. She had a great big smile on her face as she held me close. I smiled back at her and looked at her closely. She seemed to know me and she kissed me a lot. I liked her a lot...in fact, so much, that it didn't even bother me that my diaper was wet. Then I looked over and there was this tall man with dark spiky hair and yellow glasses. I couldn't stop staring at him, and he smiled a lot. I smiled back at him and watched as he brushed his fingers on my cheek. As they were looking at me, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the lady who called me Tweety Bird walking out. "Bye Bye Tweety!", she called out. Where could she have been going without me?

The pretty lady, who kept calling me Aubrey put me in an uncomfortable chair and carried me out to a car, where the man with the yellow glasses was waiting. She sat down in the back seat next to me and kept on smiling and telling me that she was my Mommy. I don't know what a Mommy is, since I've never had one, but if it means someone who's going to talk nice to me and smile at me and tickle my feet, I think I'll like having a Mommy.

We traveled in the car for about two miles, which must be a long long way, because all of a sudden I was hungry. I started crying and yelling because I wanted to get out of this seat and be held, and most of all, I wanted a nice bottle of that yummy white stuff. I cried for a long time. Mommy tried to coo me and play with me, and she tried to put a pacifier in my mouth, but I wouldn't have any of it. I WANT MY BOTTLE!!!!!!!!!!! Finally, she took me out of the seat and gave me the bottle. But get this - she actually stopped after one bottle and tried to put me on her shoulder and pat me on the back. I quickly threw up a little milk on her and started to cry again to get my point across. I think she's catching on, because she gave me another bottle. Training her is going to be easy I think....Blaachroioghaooidhgh!

Next Entry: Meeting Gramma, and Aunt & Uncle and a bunch of cousins...